What Does Depression Want

 

graphic image by Tirenioluwa

Depression never really goes away – it just sits there in the darkness that is your soul. It watches you feign joy and smile, it watches you drag through your day through deception.

            Depression is the most patient of all ordeals – it sits for as long as it wants; watching you and watching time tick off.

            No, no emotion is worn on its face, all it does is sit close to you and wait. It knows just when you’re inching closer to breaking apart and that is when it comes over you like a cloud on a dark rainy day.

            It doesn’t ever take you by force – it only watches your every step then catching up to you and falling into step with you. It sounds cruel but it’s true. Then when you’re so close to falling, it grabs your hand slowly and calmly making you feel as though it might just be a mood swing.

            But depression is more than a mood swing. It’s here to stay. It takes your hand and when you two lock fingers you begin to absorb the cool and warmth it brings to your soul; it never takes your heart by force, it only watches it beat solemnly before inching closer and closer, then it stands in front of it to hug it.

            Not a warming hug but a choking hug. It hugs it gently at first – you’d notice the change, then it hugs it tighter, wrapping its hand around the fragile organ that is your heart.

            Slowly it makes your way to your brain through your veins to call for reinforcements because depression never really works – it only calls on others to work. It calls out your bad memories of sad events, brings on flashbacks and painful events that are better left buried.

            They join it at your heart and wrap their arms around the organ in an embrace then the whole act is topped off with depression seating on your heart to make it feel all the more heavy and before you know it you’re depressed because your heart is denied affection and warmth.

            You begin to feel down and oh so low – your brain begins to feel so heavy you can’t seem to work things out without feeling lost in a fog.

            You lose control and will to live – you drag yourself through your day and everything feels programmed and robotic. How did it happen? It was never your fault, your world was just so messed up it lets you feel dark.

            And the sad thing is that when you get depressed once you can’t seem to get rid of it – people claim it is not in them – they claim they cannot be depressed – the claim they no longer have depression – but really does it ever leave us after our first attack?

            It stings and hurts and clings to us like smoke. It leaves us with a fragment, haunts out nightmares even more.

            It becomes so controlling that even your monsters become scared of it. It’s so scary that your “inner demons” make way for it.

            So powerful is it that nothing you do kicks it out and slowly you begin to absorb it and welcome it as your own. You make it feel welcome and it loves attention so much; so when you begin to feel love in a different way it lashes out at you and drags you under again.

            So tell me…does it really leave or does it change its location in you to live elsewhere?