Depression

“yeah, see you guys later,” I smiled and waved heartily at the two girls I walked with as we parted ways…it’s so cute how they think I’m like them, because I’m not.

I walked into the only building I can hide in plain sight, my companion the library. I take a seat at a desolate corner, there’s no one around me, good…I can let it all out without disturbance. I’ve been holding this in…trying so hard to wear this horrible mask just so I can live in peace with those around me.

But there’s a monster in me.

A beast I have become.

I can’t think straight.

I think I am broken,

I was never like this,

I literally can’t remember what it’s like to be happy.

Is happiness real?

Or is it also an illusion…just like my sanity?

 

For once, just once.

I want to smile

I want to have a very cheery smile without a jingling bell signaling the stealth arrival of the monster.

The rope tugging at me to leave the crowd

And run into hiding.

So I can release it…so I can release the monster.

 

 

Sometimes I feel different

Like I’ve actually been fixed

Until the tasks become overwhelming

And I’m reminded of my lack of free time and self-image.

Constantly insulted and shunned

 Then I slip back into the coma

Lock myself up in a room,

And cry

I mean…cry!

Let it out

Till I’m breathless and almost faint.

 

Still, I’m an envy to many,

A role model to some

And a monster to myself.

I’ve been broken for ages,

Not a soul knows.

All because I’m so great at hiding it

 

This is my life

The exact way I’ve been feeling.

I wear a mask, a very thick mask.

So you can’t hear me cry even if I’m laughing.

If you look into my eyes.

You’ll see my soul.

Trapped, sucked of colour, drained of life.

And absolutely dead.

Oh who am I kidding?

You’ll see nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Because my soul no longer exists.

She ditched me like everyone else did.

 

I don’t blame her.

I don’t blame anyone.

I blame myself.

I’m so weak and frail.

I never do anything right

And I always have things to do to make me feel fulfilled, even if I never would.

I can’t seek for help

Help doesn’t exist…I don’t want it.

That’s a lie…I want help so badly…but getting it is a problem.

And if it comes.

I’ll have to talk…I’ll have to say everything

And that would lead to me breaking down.

I’m on the verge of being broken-beyond-repair.

I’m on the verge of extinction.

So, what do I do now?

I want help and I don’t want it.

 

 

I don’t want them to see me cry,

I mean, I look so strong and brave to them.

I have a problem and I know it.

I nurse a beast and his name is depression.

He delights in tearing me up slowly and eating me on the inside.

He loves watching me crumble.

He loves it when my wall of defense collapses.

He just loves it when the waterfalls in my eyes flow.

He loves it when I run out of breath from drowning in this waterfall.

He loves it when I think of ending myself,

Of taking my own life.

He loves it doesn’t he?

 

I guess I’ll have to embrace him

And see if we can agree on a truce.

If he’ll reduce his influence on me.

And I’ll give him what he wants

I can never be fixed

There is absolutely no hope for me.

It comes and goes but it’s just the way I will be.

This is my new identity.

I have embraced it.

 

I’m the girl with a beautiful mask hiding her ugly self

They don’t know.

And they won’t know.

Because I won’t let them know.